Milk Sucks

Those of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s believed that milk was the best if not the only way to build strong bones. All of the growing boys and girls were prescribed a glass of milk per day, no question. Calcium. Oh, that sweet sweet calcium. But hey, check this out- have you had a glass of milk lately? Like, a whole big glass of milk with nothing else? It straight up sucks.



What is that taste? Chalk? Pool water flavored chalk? It’s thick but it’s not. Oh, and it doesn’t seem to matter if it’s cold or warm? What other drink is like that? Plus, don’t get me started on the color. Who wants to drink a big white glass of anything? Nobody should. If you do than you are a serial killer and not a sexy one like Ted Bundy. A gross one like Jeffrey Dahmer. Or maybe this guy:



I blame VERY seductive ad campaigns in the 90s. The Got Milk? movement was thriving back then and Big Milk was raking in ALL the dough. Peep this sexy milk ad:



However, if you’re thirsty for a hot take within a hot take; I think we all wanted that milk because it looked like frosting. That’s right! It made milk look like yummy frosting and not something that came out of a nipple- there I said it.


Milk is great with cereal. Milk is great with cookies. Chocolate milk is not real milk because it has chocolate in it. But fair is fair. If you are drinking a big old glass of 2% in public without even the common decency to hide this sick perversion in shame then you are a monster and you deserve all of the constipation that too much dairy has to offer.


Jeremy Schmidt

Twitter: @Ocarinaofcrime

Instagram: jes0259

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